Sorry

After dinner last night, we were finishing up our devotional with a discussion. We were talking about boasting. What it means to boast in the Lord. One of our discussion questions asked about things we have boasted about. I couldn't think of anything, so I asked Lu if there was anything that I boasted about. It didn't take him long to say that I wasn't the type of person to boast about anything. I'm sure there is something, but between the three of us last night, we couldn't come up with anything.

This lead to a new discussion. Lu had mentioned to Ry that  some people apologize more than they should. Ry agreed and said that I said "sorry" too much. We then began a brief conversation about something much more sinister than being overly humble. It's a thing that I don't really think of too much, but I still struggle.

I have lived so much of my life being and feeling less than. Humility is a good thing. Putting one's self down is not. And no, they are not the same.

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There are many people walking around this earth without realizing they are undervaluing themselves. Folks who will apologize for things they shouldn't have typically learned to do so in their interactions with other folks who like to throw their weight and importance around. I'm talking authority figures who have gone beyond their powers of authority. Peers who have continued to put down and shame those they work with. A wife who treats her husband like one of her children. A talented individual who won't encourage and complement others in their crafts.

There are so many stories of people fighting for dominance and many more of people who have lost the will to hold their chins up. This is not about confidence. This, dare I say, is self-loathing.

From my experience, people who are more inclined to be so sorry tend to be empathetic. They are more likely to consider another person's feelings and care about those feelings. They would rather decrease to keep peace.

I'm sorry to say, but this isn't the kind of self-sacrificing we are called to do.

It's okay be empathetic and consider another person's feelings. It's okay to want someone else to succeed. It's okay to hush and listen at times.

It's not okay to let feelings dictate anything (even the happy ones). It's not okay to devalue your own efforts for success. It's not okay to be silent when truth needs to be shared.

Got Questions has a really good response to self-loathing. Ultimately, knowing that you were created on purpose with a purpose is a piece of the puzzle. You need to know that the God of the Universe has placed a high value on you. You were meant to enhance this life with your presence and your talents.

You don't even need to be perfect (remove weight from shoulders). If you are someone who tends to undervalue yourself, I would encourage you to work on changing your perspective. Spend time in God's word (See Ephesians 2:10, 2 Corinthians 12:9, and Isaiah 43.25 for starters). Spend time with others who encourage you. Don't avoid the naysayers and the folks who are tearing you down (just try to limit your time and interactions with them until you are strong enough to hold your chin up again). We're not called to isolation. We are called into the world to shine and reflect Jesus.

I'm sorry if you're struggling, but I know that the Lord uses everything for the building up of His people. You don't have to fear man (though I do understand why you might).

Learning to Drive Before Buying Your Car

 It's a sunny (and hot) Wednesday afternoon. I'm sitting at my desk (working) and listening to a webinar on how to organize digital photos.  Something she says causes my ears to perk up.

Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

"Focus on learning how to drive. Don't focus on the car." She was talking about buying a fancy car, but not knowing how to drive. She was comparing that to the variety of photo software that's out there, but if you don't know how to organize none of those options will help you.

This got me thinking about my approach to many things in life, but particularly budgeting and managing finances. I have tried different types of money management software and different budgeting systems over the year. However, the fundamentals of budgeting seems to escape me.

Yes, I know that I need to spend less than I bring in. I need to set aside money for saving. Etcetera.

But how do I manage my money when the demands (actual things we need) are piling up? What about doing that while dealing with emotional and personal health struggles? 

I have to admit, I'm still at a loss with some of these things. And I'm worried about how I am hurting my family. I also realize I'm in the same boat when it comes to managing a household. I have so many tools and ideas for cleaning and decluttering....but when it comes down to the implementation and  deeply understanding the concept, I could use a little help (and maybe a professional?)!

I have all the tools, but I need to understand the fundamentals before they will actually help me.

Is there an area in your life where you have tried all the things, but you now realize that you need a deeper understanding before any of those tools will actually be of use?

I Quit Quitting

 The year I quit being a quitter.

Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

In the fall of 2022 I did something I didn't think I would do again. I enrolled in a class. Not just any class. A certification-earning class.

This would be my first big step to making it a habit to finish what I've started.

I have been a chronic planner and beginner, but rarely finished things. I've had this struggle since my first marriage. Before that, I followed through and took the time to work on tasks.

Perhaps I would have ended up a quitter even without the added emotional damage of my failed first marriage. I was already of unstable feelings and doubted I could do great things. I think it would only be a matter of time before I gave in to the dismay (maybe at a slower rate?).

But I made a promise to myself that I would start seeing things through. I was determined to be more disciplined in order to actually do stuff. 😅

I was told that the class could be completed in 3-4 months. I knew it was not a realistic expectation in my particular situation, but it was good to know that with good planning and consistent work, I could be done BEFORE a year was up.

So how did it go?

It took me two years to finish the class and pass the test.

I can't tell you how many pep talks and tears have dropped as I (felt like I) forced my way through. I fought with myself on whether it was worth it or whether I should have even tried. How do I even know this is something I should be doing with my life?!

One of the things that helped me to keep going was that I was taking this class because of someone else’s financial contribution. Some very good (family-like) friends pooled money together so that i could take this class. I did NOT want their funds to go to waste. I HAD to finish this. They also believed I could do it. While I struggled with believing, I couldn’t let them down.

Once I reached the year mark, I contacted support to find out if there were options for an extension. Yes, but at a cost. Six months (twice) and I could complete the coursework and take the test. When it came to the test, I was so afraid. I did not trust that I had retained enough knowledge to pass (especially considered how I hammered my way through the class). I still had to attempt it. You know? You don’t take the test you don’t pass for sure!

By God’s grace I now have a big win under my belt. Good people have been placed in my life (where I have needed them the most) to encourage and inspire me. This was by no means the hardest thing I have ever faced, but I certainly did not believe I would have completed it.

This feat is one of a few that have fueled my desire (and helped me believe I’m able) to quit quitting and begin completing. So, if you see me grinding away (even at a snail’s pace), don’t mind me. I’m just not giving up!

Loving the Unlovable

Today's Verse of the Day really got my attention. Luke 6:28 (ESV) says "bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you."

Photo by Dev Asangbam on Unsplash

I don't think I remember hearing the word "abuse" in that text before. It really stood out to me today.

Constantly in the New Testament, Jesus is saying to love your enemies. He knows it's dang near impossible for us to do that. I mean, come on! Can you really love on someone who has it out for you? Someone who has or is abusing you?

I have examples of folks I know who grew up in abusive households. Some of those people have been able to forgive their abuser. Some have not. And there is a huge difference in how those decisions (to forgive or not) have affected them.

We are called to forgive for different reasons. And no, it's not really all about you. Or the other person.

God doesn't downplay your hurt or frustration. He understands where you're coming from, but He has a better way. One that will bring peace to your life. It will bring you closer to being like Jesus. Because it reflects what kind of God He is.

You need to remember that you were dead in your transgressions, but Jesus loved you anyway. Yes. He died for you while you were still His enemy (Romans 5:10). He didn't wait until we would say, "I'm sorry." He already forgave us before we even thought about repenting!

And it doesn't stop there! He still proceeds to love and care for you, interceding on your behalf while sitting at God's right hand in Heaven (Romans 8:34)!

Let's look at His example and see how we can imitate him.

My ex-husband was my abuser. For many years, I didn't understand the nature of our relationship but it was painful and kept me captive to a worsening self-esteem. Eventually, I would realize that I struggled with hating him. I was incredibly resentful because of not just how he treated me but because of how he was treating my children. 

I know we're not supposed to hate. We're even called to love our enemies (and boy, was he my enemy!), but how was I supposed to do that when there was no remorse on his part and he was actively hurting his family? Some friends have talked to me about forgiveness (so I now have a few books on the subject). I didn't realize that I needed to forgive him. And I really didn't want to, if I'm being honest.  There were a few things that I didn't quite understand about what it means to forgive.

Forgiving the other party doesn't excuse them from their wrongdoings.

You're not giving them a free pass for their sin, but you're choosing not to continue to hold it against them. This can be really hard to do when the other party is continuing to do harm. One of the things that my ex-husband would do is to take control of every conversation and even makeup "facts" along the way. Once I started to forgive him (repeatedly), I was able to take a step back and actually address this issue calmly. 

I guess it was kinda like my "line in the sand." Remembering that without God's grace, I'm just as wretched. Loving your enemy means that, no matter what, you'll do what's right and good for them. Think about raising children. Having to change a diaper may seem like a declaration of war, as your baby may not want to cooperate. They may fight and scream and cry, but that diaper really needs to be changed for their health and safety (and for the relief of noses in the vicinity). As a parent, there are many times when you have to do or declare things that your children will want to fight you on. You don't just leave them based on how they feel, but what's actually good for them.

Loving your enemies is the same way. They are human just like you. They also need Jesus. 

I have heard unforgiveness being likened to drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Think about it...they're just going about living their lives....and you're just stewing. You are creating an unhappy environment for yourself and keeping yourself from living your own life (you also run the risk of developing a hatred for them, as I had done. Trust me, it's not worth it!).

If you're struggling to forgive, it's okay. It doesn't often come easy. Think of it as an exercise that you have to revisit regularly before it gets easier. Keep praying to the Lord about it. Stay in the Word for guidance and understanding. Maintain a support group to help keep you encouraged and accountable. Repent.

I don't have any timelines on how long this may take. God could be bringing you through years of growth in this area or maybe a couple of months.

Can you look back and see an area where you've grown?

I can, but it's always easier to do when someone else notices for me. 😅

Currently, I'm trying to overhaul my home and my habits. Boy is there a lot to be done!

I've finally reconciled with the fact that I *might* be somewhat of a hoarder. Keeping my home organized has been a struggle since my first marriage. I'm learning a lot about my own mind and emotions and how they tie in with everyday things.

I've been learning to be patient and give myself some grace (something I tell my kids all the time, but I struggle to follow my own advice). I've also been learning how to create a routine that I can handle (it's still a work on progress) while taking extra steps to deep clean/declutter.

Once I've gotten through all the rooms of the house, it will be easier to maintain regular cleaning/picking up (I assume 🤞).

I've definitely grown less attached to things and have been enjoying a season of throw-it-out. 🤣 There's so much freedom in letting go and getting it done!

I used to struggle with inactivity because of the desire to get everything right and done. I've been working on this. Perfectionism is no good. It can lead to doing too much or not doing anything.

This business that I do has been a part of this area of growth for me. I tend to want to read and study and know everything there is to know before I talk to someone else about it.

My leader (and friend) has been very encouraging. "Done is better than perfect" is my new catchphrase. It doesn't mean to just throw something together. It means that every tiny detail doesn't have to be exact. And it means you can cross this off your list and move on to the next success.

I'm becoming free from the chains I put myself in.

Is there an area of your life where you need a little push? Could you use some support/encouragement?

How to Save a Life

 If you could save someone's life, would you?

What if I told you I had the words of eternal life?
Would you ask for more details?
Would you call me crazy and send me off?

What if I told you that you can truly live life abundantly? That you can live out the rest of your days knowing that there is really nothing to fear?

Should I worry about your reaction when I offer these words?

If you answered "no," you are correct. I shouldn't worry about losing your friendship when it comes to making sure you get what you need. Not necessarily what you want (though I want to see you happy, too 😊).

Yet, I fail to do this good thing time and again. I'm sorry!

Not today!

You need to know that you are dead in your sins. That you've offended an holy God and need to repent. You also need to know that He has made a way for you to get right with Him and He takes responsibility for you.

You don't need to be afraid of condemnation or judgement when you believe this and trust in Him. You don't have to worry about doing or being "enough" to win God's favor.

You're not meant to live life on your terms. You didn't create yourself. But you can walk with your head held high because, thank God, you don't have keep relying on yourself!

If you have questions or something to add, feel free to reach out. You were created on purpose for a purpose and I want you to live that out. ❤️

Standing In Not Standing Out

I don't like to stand out. But I don't strive to be like everyone else either.

Photo by Eric Prouzet on Unsplash

I hope that makes sense.

For example, I'm an alto but the alto part is usually the harmony. If I can't pick out or even hear the harmony I will just sing soprano (or tenor). I don't always have the ear or the confidence to figure out the harmony as we sing together. (Yes, I recognize that confidence is something you build by doing the thing).

I'm not seeking to fit in for the sake of inclusion. I just don't want to wreck the good thing the group has going on (I do acknowledge the my perception may be skewed).

I usually default to the behind-the-scenes task work. I'm usually the person who will show up a little early and help with setting up. Or I'll stay longer to help with cleanup. I enjoy watching people interacting with one another and having a good time at functions. You don't have to feel bad about not talking to me a whole lot at a party or event.

I'm usually so glad you thought of me at all and will enjoy being present. I like to take notice of the work you put in and bask in your achievements. You're pretty awesome!

I never thought that my quirky preferences and introverted personality would be useful in business.

I've heard so much about how "you gotta get out there and talk to people." It seems that extroverts make better salespeople and influencers.

Well, I can assure you that if you're an introvert and you don't like to be the center of attention, you can be super successful in business.

While you do have to talk to people and make connections, you still get to make real friends in the process and can do the behind-the-scenes back office work. Your interactions can (and should) be genuine.

Being an introvert means that you are refreshed and renewed by spending time alone. Extroverts need time with people to gain their energy (so they can really struggle when business slows down).

If you're like me, you will enjoy celebrating others and feel privileged to share in their burdens without feeling the need to inject yourself every time.

You can do this, no matter your personality and preferences. There's a spot for you. ❤️